Stop Bugging Me!!

I've heard it been said, that if some people can bother you with their actions, or get to you...then they have power over you. I suppose it's true, and it truly makes me feel sick to my stomach to know that these two people (in particular) have that power over me. I guess you can call me an old grandma (mind you i'm almost 24) but I feel that these two people bother me the most!

One: Just act your age...maybe I shouldn't quite say that because maybe that's how people your age act. It's simple. There are things that shouldn't be said, things that can be said outside of certain areas. It bothers me so much that you come off as cocky, but you clearly mistaken it for confidence. I appreciate confident people, but cocky people, I can't stand them. You're not that amazing. But if you blowing your own head up is what it takes to fake your confidence, then fine. You will get no confidence boosters from me. I feel like you put on a front, and honestly, I appreciate real people. I've seen how you are one on one, and maybe that's just a front, and this "front" that I think you wear every day is really who you are. I feel ashamed to have thought so highly of you. But you have lost my respect a long time ago. Not that my respect means anything more than someone else's. It's sad that I can't stand looking at your face, hear your voice, and try and act friendly to you. But I will. Does this make me a hypocrite to my own views? Possibly. But I want my power back...I want you to not bug me so much. Thus...I must learn to simply just ignore what you do. It's obvious you aren't growing up any time soon.

Two: Sadly I thought I could look up to you. That I could work with you...but obviously I can't. I can see your condescending looks, your judgemental ways, and your need for constant drama. It's sickening. You are suppose to be the one higher up...you are supposed to be the "grown-up." Yet, if things don't go your way, you blame someone else. You never see your way as the wrong way. I, and I feel others, will appreciate you so much more, if you admit your wrongs and apologize. But you brush it off as some joke, as something that never happened. It's ok to be wrong! You will learn thereafter to become right. I'm in a world of judgement, and you are there judging me. Sadly, you will never get to know the REAL me. You are superficial in your ways, and thus I see your superficially. I can see you are so thirsty to be under the spotlight. To be the keynote speaker. And when people decide to turn your light off, or replace you, you become defensive, angry, annoyed, and it shows. Thus, whilst others read off of your expressions, what you have brought forward, we are now pushing back. I cannot respect you. You have lost most of the that. But! I will respect you when I can feel/tell you're respecting me. You don't have to like me, it's obvious you have already developed a preconceived notion about who I am. It's obvious you THINK you know me. Yet, you do not know any part of me. Please learn to love yourself. Love yourself so that you can learn to love others instead of constantly judging them. I am doing the same as I type this. I am re-learning to love myself. If I love myself first, there can be no outsider that can bring me down, because I brought myself up. Please, grow up, get off your powertrips, and realize, that you and so many others...all wear pants...and they are all put on the same way. One leg at a time!

**Note: I realize I write this as if I KNOW everything about these two people. But I am well aware that I'm sure I've only scratched the surface of them. Who knows, maybe if I took the time to get to know them, I would realize that we're not that much different. I understand the hypocrisy that there exists hypocrisy within this. I will be the first to admit that. However, this is simply how I feel right now.

Thoughts within my Head: They sometimes ruin me

Always the same old story...see someone...like someone...build them up to be more than they are...and then feel frustrated later. So please, get these thoughts out of my mind. Because what I want now, I fear I cannot have. But it's the fear that has not yet scared me away, but a fear that I want to face. Their on and off again mood towards me, makes them the hardest to read.

All I need is for one person to realize that I'm here willing to make them the happiest they have ever been. I always seem to hope that the ones that I like, will be that one person to realize this. Until then, it's their loss.

I feel so close to being done trying to make something out of nothing and my imagination that may be imagining somethere that really doesn't exist.

Thoughts of my Day

Sometimes I wish things were easier. I wish things were more comfortable for me, or that I'm more readily comfortable being uncomfortable. I wish it was easier for me to face my fears as they come. I wish it wasn't so easy to get under my skin. For the little petty things to not blow up in my mind as more substantial things. I wish life itself were easier. But if that's the case, then we'd all be lazy and do absolutely nothing to prove ourselves. I often think of things that, if I could back in time and change it, I would. I shouldn't feel as though I have regret and more regret building up inside of me. I find that I'm more paranoid than I am confident. I am more self-assured then I am vulnerable...but with that I am more naive than I am self-assured. I still have more growing to do, but I feel as if my time is short. I sometimes feel that I should already be who I should be for the better half of my life, but I know Life's Lessons will continue to come at me in full force. For after I live this life, I am determined to leave this place a better one, and knowing that I have done all that I could to have made this life amazing.

My Deepest Fear...Fear

"What is your deepest fear?" "Spiders, death, fire, drowning...etc." My answer: Fear. I find that one emotion or feeling that dictates much of my thinking is "Fear." The fear of disappointing others, the fear of hurting others, the fear of failing, the fear of being hurt. It's fear that influences my decisions. I tend to try to travel the easier road, just because it's safe, and I have no fear in traveling down that road. However, the harder/trying road I know would make me a better person...and all the complications I will face will make me stronger if I triumph. Until recently, I haven't really noticed how much fear controls my thoughts. I thought about a career change/change in majors simply because I'm fearful of what happens next. To flee always seems to be the "easy way out," but who am I if I continuously flee everything that I see as challenging, hard, or scary? I'd be weak. I don't want to walk away from this experience as weak. I want to walk out of this experience as stronger, wiser, and better...even if that means coming out of this with battle scars. Because let us remember, "Mistakes are just lessons we haven't learned yet." I'm sure there are many lessons that I have not learned yet, and many mistakes await me. But that's the challenge that I'm willing to take, whether confidently or even...fearfully.

Decisions, Decisions

Decisions, decisions...I find that I have the hardest time making them when they're not just clean cut and simple. There's one decision that I feel is super important and I'll probably need to make up my mind about it in a couple weeks.

In the beginning the answer was so clear to me. What my decision would be. And now as time goes on and little things change, my mind becomes convoluted with self-doubt, fear, and confusion. I've asked all everyone I could think of about it, but I believe I'm asking the wrong people. Who should I work with? What sport should I work with? Will I even get the sports I want? Am I even good enough to work with this sport? All these questions and I have no clear cut answer to them. It mostly stems from my lack of confidence. The I don't knows, the maybes, the what ifs. All these questions that transpire from other questions. All I need is one good answer.

I've been trying to figure out this decision for almost a month now, but never has it weighed heavier in my mind than now. To experience different things at a different setting. Knowing that within my profession, you need to be comfortable being uncomfortable, but at the same time...I'd like to be somewhere that I can at least enjoy being uncomfortable! Where the positives outweighs that uncomfort so much so that it becomes a minute problem. It's like a burden has decided to make it's home on my shoulders, and just continue to grow. People outside of this program may not understand it, people may not understand why it weighs so heavy...but I do. Quite frankly...it's winning.

I sometimes wish it was already made for me. So time will tell. A day will come where I write down six sports/venues/ACI's and I'll have to wait to see which I get. All I need to figure out now is what to write.

A Post with Topics that Don't Go Hand in Hand

People may be Strange...even Weird, but who wants to be normal? Seriously, what is the standard to be considered, "Normal?" I find that I've been called "Weird" so many times...and I take it as a good thing. I'm not that over the top type of weird, but I supposed I don't fall under, "Normal." Weirdness to me is like being unique. If someone calls you weird, take it as a compliment. It only means that that person sees something in you that they don't see in everyone else. I've come to realize, as of late, if I get along with these "weird" people, then ya...I am unique :)

Ladies and Gents...I have some definition in my calves, lost some chubs in my face, and my two pack is more pronounced! Does Insanity workout work? I would say so. BUT I still have shin splints which sucks. So I take extra rest days. (FYI: If you too may be experiencing shin splints, try stretching out your calf muscles...I have a tight Soleus muscle, so I'm guessing it's a factor in these shin splints.)

Ok...so that happy fuzzy everything is pink, red, and white with hearts and flowers day is coming up. And I'm not going to waste my time saying how I don't have a Valentine and I think in my life have only truly had one...I'm going to write about those cute little Valentine's Day cards we used to give out to our classmates. This just reaffirms how much of a dreamer, wisher, and in some ways, gullable person I am/was. I was always that girl, that when she got a Valentine's Day card in her box or on her desk from someone she liked and it said something like, "I Dig You." I completely believed it. As I remembered this little story, I realize how much I have NOT changed. No, I don't get little cutesy cards from people anymore, but I am seemingly still THAT gullible to think, that the nicest/smallest gestures mean something. I guess I should've learned my lesson when I realized that the boy that gave me that card...didn't Dig me at all.

But nonetheless, I am still a dreamer/wisher, and although there are a couple people I think that I would give that "I Dig You" card to, I shall stick to my most faithful Valentine's...Ben and Jerry! O wait, I'm lactose intolerant, so there goes that idea!! hahaha...horrible joke no? But seriously, I wish you all a great and wonderful Valentine's Day.

It's the Little Things...

As I get older I come to realize it's truly the little things that matter the most. Today I had said something that at the time I thought was funny. But instead I had inadvertantly hurt someone's feelings. I meant what I said one way, they took a different way (which looking back I can definitely understand.) I realized I was wrong and apologized...probably on the list of the most sincere apologies. When I say jokes my intentions are never to hurt someone's feelings, so when I do I feel horrible. Because if I put myself in their shoes, I would be equally hurt. Thus, I handle things as if this happened to me, how would I want the other person to respond. Not to take anything away from my reaction because it was genuine. So I apologized. It was just right to.

As of late I have truly begun to appreciate small gestures, kindness, please, thank you, you're welcome...etc. They are simple words that don't take a lot to say, yet they are words extremely full and fulfilling, but only if you truly mean them! Today I truly meant what I said. Sometimes you just don't realize what little it takes to truly make someone's day a little better.

Just some words of mine for your thoughts. :)

With that...have a great day!