Thoughts within my Head: They sometimes ruin me

Always the same old story...see someone...like someone...build them up to be more than they are...and then feel frustrated later. So please, get these thoughts out of my mind. Because what I want now, I fear I cannot have. But it's the fear that has not yet scared me away, but a fear that I want to face. Their on and off again mood towards me, makes them the hardest to read.

All I need is for one person to realize that I'm here willing to make them the happiest they have ever been. I always seem to hope that the ones that I like, will be that one person to realize this. Until then, it's their loss.

I feel so close to being done trying to make something out of nothing and my imagination that may be imagining somethere that really doesn't exist.

Thoughts of my Day

Sometimes I wish things were easier. I wish things were more comfortable for me, or that I'm more readily comfortable being uncomfortable. I wish it was easier for me to face my fears as they come. I wish it wasn't so easy to get under my skin. For the little petty things to not blow up in my mind as more substantial things. I wish life itself were easier. But if that's the case, then we'd all be lazy and do absolutely nothing to prove ourselves. I often think of things that, if I could back in time and change it, I would. I shouldn't feel as though I have regret and more regret building up inside of me. I find that I'm more paranoid than I am confident. I am more self-assured then I am vulnerable...but with that I am more naive than I am self-assured. I still have more growing to do, but I feel as if my time is short. I sometimes feel that I should already be who I should be for the better half of my life, but I know Life's Lessons will continue to come at me in full force. For after I live this life, I am determined to leave this place a better one, and knowing that I have done all that I could to have made this life amazing.

My Deepest Fear...Fear

"What is your deepest fear?" "Spiders, death, fire, drowning...etc." My answer: Fear. I find that one emotion or feeling that dictates much of my thinking is "Fear." The fear of disappointing others, the fear of hurting others, the fear of failing, the fear of being hurt. It's fear that influences my decisions. I tend to try to travel the easier road, just because it's safe, and I have no fear in traveling down that road. However, the harder/trying road I know would make me a better person...and all the complications I will face will make me stronger if I triumph. Until recently, I haven't really noticed how much fear controls my thoughts. I thought about a career change/change in majors simply because I'm fearful of what happens next. To flee always seems to be the "easy way out," but who am I if I continuously flee everything that I see as challenging, hard, or scary? I'd be weak. I don't want to walk away from this experience as weak. I want to walk out of this experience as stronger, wiser, and better...even if that means coming out of this with battle scars. Because let us remember, "Mistakes are just lessons we haven't learned yet." I'm sure there are many lessons that I have not learned yet, and many mistakes await me. But that's the challenge that I'm willing to take, whether confidently or even...fearfully.

Decisions, Decisions

Decisions, decisions...I find that I have the hardest time making them when they're not just clean cut and simple. There's one decision that I feel is super important and I'll probably need to make up my mind about it in a couple weeks.

In the beginning the answer was so clear to me. What my decision would be. And now as time goes on and little things change, my mind becomes convoluted with self-doubt, fear, and confusion. I've asked all everyone I could think of about it, but I believe I'm asking the wrong people. Who should I work with? What sport should I work with? Will I even get the sports I want? Am I even good enough to work with this sport? All these questions and I have no clear cut answer to them. It mostly stems from my lack of confidence. The I don't knows, the maybes, the what ifs. All these questions that transpire from other questions. All I need is one good answer.

I've been trying to figure out this decision for almost a month now, but never has it weighed heavier in my mind than now. To experience different things at a different setting. Knowing that within my profession, you need to be comfortable being uncomfortable, but at the same time...I'd like to be somewhere that I can at least enjoy being uncomfortable! Where the positives outweighs that uncomfort so much so that it becomes a minute problem. It's like a burden has decided to make it's home on my shoulders, and just continue to grow. People outside of this program may not understand it, people may not understand why it weighs so heavy...but I do. Quite frankly...it's winning.

I sometimes wish it was already made for me. So time will tell. A day will come where I write down six sports/venues/ACI's and I'll have to wait to see which I get. All I need to figure out now is what to write.

A Post with Topics that Don't Go Hand in Hand

People may be Strange...even Weird, but who wants to be normal? Seriously, what is the standard to be considered, "Normal?" I find that I've been called "Weird" so many times...and I take it as a good thing. I'm not that over the top type of weird, but I supposed I don't fall under, "Normal." Weirdness to me is like being unique. If someone calls you weird, take it as a compliment. It only means that that person sees something in you that they don't see in everyone else. I've come to realize, as of late, if I get along with these "weird" people, then ya...I am unique :)

Ladies and Gents...I have some definition in my calves, lost some chubs in my face, and my two pack is more pronounced! Does Insanity workout work? I would say so. BUT I still have shin splints which sucks. So I take extra rest days. (FYI: If you too may be experiencing shin splints, try stretching out your calf muscles...I have a tight Soleus muscle, so I'm guessing it's a factor in these shin splints.)

Ok...so that happy fuzzy everything is pink, red, and white with hearts and flowers day is coming up. And I'm not going to waste my time saying how I don't have a Valentine and I think in my life have only truly had one...I'm going to write about those cute little Valentine's Day cards we used to give out to our classmates. This just reaffirms how much of a dreamer, wisher, and in some ways, gullable person I am/was. I was always that girl, that when she got a Valentine's Day card in her box or on her desk from someone she liked and it said something like, "I Dig You." I completely believed it. As I remembered this little story, I realize how much I have NOT changed. No, I don't get little cutesy cards from people anymore, but I am seemingly still THAT gullible to think, that the nicest/smallest gestures mean something. I guess I should've learned my lesson when I realized that the boy that gave me that card...didn't Dig me at all.

But nonetheless, I am still a dreamer/wisher, and although there are a couple people I think that I would give that "I Dig You" card to, I shall stick to my most faithful Valentine's...Ben and Jerry! O wait, I'm lactose intolerant, so there goes that idea!! hahaha...horrible joke no? But seriously, I wish you all a great and wonderful Valentine's Day.

It's the Little Things...

As I get older I come to realize it's truly the little things that matter the most. Today I had said something that at the time I thought was funny. But instead I had inadvertantly hurt someone's feelings. I meant what I said one way, they took a different way (which looking back I can definitely understand.) I realized I was wrong and apologized...probably on the list of the most sincere apologies. When I say jokes my intentions are never to hurt someone's feelings, so when I do I feel horrible. Because if I put myself in their shoes, I would be equally hurt. Thus, I handle things as if this happened to me, how would I want the other person to respond. Not to take anything away from my reaction because it was genuine. So I apologized. It was just right to.

As of late I have truly begun to appreciate small gestures, kindness, please, thank you, you're welcome...etc. They are simple words that don't take a lot to say, yet they are words extremely full and fulfilling, but only if you truly mean them! Today I truly meant what I said. Sometimes you just don't realize what little it takes to truly make someone's day a little better.

Just some words of mine for your thoughts. :)

With that...have a great day!

MTSS and Gilbere Forte

Two topics that do not go hand in hand, but tonight...I'm making them.

Let me start with my complaint. For the past week, I've been doing Insanity workout and what do I notice yesterday while doing Cardio/Plyo?? I have Medial Tibial Stress Syndrome (aka: Shin Splints)...It's very annoying!!! Thought I'd share. It's definitely not the best feeling in the world and it's mostly an annoying type feeling...luckily today was Rest day...but i'm sure once I start doing more jumping/running in place...I shall feel them again.

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Gilbere Forte. Anyone hear of him? I heard of his name through a friend, previewed his album on itunes and quickly clicked "Purchase." I love it...it seems...original...and I like that. Here's my favorite song...to which I think is the SEXIEST sounding song ever!