Where does the time go?

WOW! It is already almost Christmas...and I have been so busy since summer has ended! Let's do a quick catch-up...I was assigned my sport assignments...and at first I wasn't happy about it, but now that my first semester with my first team is ending, I wish I could do it all over again..just because it was amazing! This just goes to show...that sometimes, life has other plans for you and if you just go along with it, you just might surprise yourself, and find you love it!!

My first semester as a senior student has ended. My next...and FINAL one arrives in January! I can't believe how time flies! Up next...figuring out what's next up in my future! Which could hopefully mean, GA-ship or Internship! I am open to both...but finding a Grad school is on top of the list.

Aside from school stuff, not much has changed. I am still the same me trying to improve myself one day at a time. I'm still a gullible hope-Ful! romantic. Trying to face all my fears head on so that I may grow!

Christmas is fast approaching and my o my, how it actually doesn't feel like it at all. There seems to be a lack of Christmas spirit going on. Probably because my Christmas this year will be missing one special person. My Grandma. She passed away in September, and ever since then...things (especially holidays) feel quite empty. I miss her every day...and yes I wish I visited her more. Things are definitely not the same knowing that she's not coming over to spend Christmas or New Year's with us. She wasn't here on Thanksgiving sneaking my dogs scraps of food. And she wasn't sitting on our couch dozing off. I miss her most and every day!

I wish I had more fun things to share, and I'm trying to catch up on at least five months or so. It's kind of hard. I'll try better next time! For now, I'm cutting this one short..and maybe later on tonight I will think of something better to write!

It's Only the Beginning!

WELCOME SUMMER!!!

With that I must say, if all goes as planned...this shall be a very studious summer. BUT that means I must actually get my arse into gear and start studying!

There are so many things that I must get myself prepared for...

1) Being a Senior student in the ATEP...aka Being a Level III!

Well graduation has come and gone, and I'm now officially a senior student. Granted, yes, I have technically been a senior student for a while, I've reached the zenith of the Athletic Training Educational Program. Well, maybe not exactly the zenith, I guess that would actually come at graduation. So what does being a Level III mean? Simple, work with a sport(s), actually doing rehabs, treatments, etc....as well as teaching the incoming Level II's. What this means is that I'm definitely going over my muscles (origins, insertions, actions, innervations), going over my Injury Evaluation book, going over my Therapeutic Modalities book, and well basically going over any type of resource that I have to further enhance my knowledge. This way, I'll be better prepared to work with my sports as well as help with any questions or learnings that the Level IIs have...my hopes is that I can become a great resource for them. Lets hope this plan will come into fruition!

2) GRE

Hello SATs on crack! I'm scheduled to take the GRE (Graduate Records Examination) in August. Hopefully I'll get a good score, good enough to get me into a good if not great graduate school in hopes that I can get a GA-ship as an athletic trainer there. I figured, take it over summer when I have time to study for it. Hopefully pass it with a high enough score that I won't have to worry about taking it again. This will allow me time in Winter to start studying for the BOC. That way I don't have to study for the GRE and BOC at the same time!

I guess you can kind of see that I'm more of a planner of sorts!

3) NREMT

I took the EMT course and have the option to sit for this exam. Honestly, I'm not ready to take it at this moment. However, if I'm able to schedule it sometime in the near future a little further down future...then I'll take it. This will allow me some time to study for this test as well.

Aside from studying, i'm just hoping to make this summer a good one. I know this year I'm not traveling out of country, but I'm still going to try to make the most of it! I do intend on going to Disneyland after June 3rd since Star Tours 3D opens back up then haha. yes, I'm a dork...and yes I went earlier and star tours was closed and I was a little saddened. So I shall keep whoever reads this posted if they are interested. If anyone reads this at all! Until then! Happy Summer!

Shayne

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Stop Bugging Me!!

I've heard it been said, that if some people can bother you with their actions, or get to you...then they have power over you. I suppose it's true, and it truly makes me feel sick to my stomach to know that these two people (in particular) have that power over me. I guess you can call me an old grandma (mind you i'm almost 24) but I feel that these two people bother me the most!

One: Just act your age...maybe I shouldn't quite say that because maybe that's how people your age act. It's simple. There are things that shouldn't be said, things that can be said outside of certain areas. It bothers me so much that you come off as cocky, but you clearly mistaken it for confidence. I appreciate confident people, but cocky people, I can't stand them. You're not that amazing. But if you blowing your own head up is what it takes to fake your confidence, then fine. You will get no confidence boosters from me. I feel like you put on a front, and honestly, I appreciate real people. I've seen how you are one on one, and maybe that's just a front, and this "front" that I think you wear every day is really who you are. I feel ashamed to have thought so highly of you. But you have lost my respect a long time ago. Not that my respect means anything more than someone else's. It's sad that I can't stand looking at your face, hear your voice, and try and act friendly to you. But I will. Does this make me a hypocrite to my own views? Possibly. But I want my power back...I want you to not bug me so much. Thus...I must learn to simply just ignore what you do. It's obvious you aren't growing up any time soon.

Two: Sadly I thought I could look up to you. That I could work with you...but obviously I can't. I can see your condescending looks, your judgemental ways, and your need for constant drama. It's sickening. You are suppose to be the one higher up...you are supposed to be the "grown-up." Yet, if things don't go your way, you blame someone else. You never see your way as the wrong way. I, and I feel others, will appreciate you so much more, if you admit your wrongs and apologize. But you brush it off as some joke, as something that never happened. It's ok to be wrong! You will learn thereafter to become right. I'm in a world of judgement, and you are there judging me. Sadly, you will never get to know the REAL me. You are superficial in your ways, and thus I see your superficially. I can see you are so thirsty to be under the spotlight. To be the keynote speaker. And when people decide to turn your light off, or replace you, you become defensive, angry, annoyed, and it shows. Thus, whilst others read off of your expressions, what you have brought forward, we are now pushing back. I cannot respect you. You have lost most of the that. But! I will respect you when I can feel/tell you're respecting me. You don't have to like me, it's obvious you have already developed a preconceived notion about who I am. It's obvious you THINK you know me. Yet, you do not know any part of me. Please learn to love yourself. Love yourself so that you can learn to love others instead of constantly judging them. I am doing the same as I type this. I am re-learning to love myself. If I love myself first, there can be no outsider that can bring me down, because I brought myself up. Please, grow up, get off your powertrips, and realize, that you and so many others...all wear pants...and they are all put on the same way. One leg at a time!

**Note: I realize I write this as if I KNOW everything about these two people. But I am well aware that I'm sure I've only scratched the surface of them. Who knows, maybe if I took the time to get to know them, I would realize that we're not that much different. I understand the hypocrisy that there exists hypocrisy within this. I will be the first to admit that. However, this is simply how I feel right now.

Thoughts within my Head: They sometimes ruin me

Always the same old story...see someone...like someone...build them up to be more than they are...and then feel frustrated later. So please, get these thoughts out of my mind. Because what I want now, I fear I cannot have. But it's the fear that has not yet scared me away, but a fear that I want to face. Their on and off again mood towards me, makes them the hardest to read.

All I need is for one person to realize that I'm here willing to make them the happiest they have ever been. I always seem to hope that the ones that I like, will be that one person to realize this. Until then, it's their loss.

I feel so close to being done trying to make something out of nothing and my imagination that may be imagining somethere that really doesn't exist.

Thoughts of my Day

Sometimes I wish things were easier. I wish things were more comfortable for me, or that I'm more readily comfortable being uncomfortable. I wish it was easier for me to face my fears as they come. I wish it wasn't so easy to get under my skin. For the little petty things to not blow up in my mind as more substantial things. I wish life itself were easier. But if that's the case, then we'd all be lazy and do absolutely nothing to prove ourselves. I often think of things that, if I could back in time and change it, I would. I shouldn't feel as though I have regret and more regret building up inside of me. I find that I'm more paranoid than I am confident. I am more self-assured then I am vulnerable...but with that I am more naive than I am self-assured. I still have more growing to do, but I feel as if my time is short. I sometimes feel that I should already be who I should be for the better half of my life, but I know Life's Lessons will continue to come at me in full force. For after I live this life, I am determined to leave this place a better one, and knowing that I have done all that I could to have made this life amazing.

My Deepest Fear...Fear

"What is your deepest fear?" "Spiders, death, fire, drowning...etc." My answer: Fear. I find that one emotion or feeling that dictates much of my thinking is "Fear." The fear of disappointing others, the fear of hurting others, the fear of failing, the fear of being hurt. It's fear that influences my decisions. I tend to try to travel the easier road, just because it's safe, and I have no fear in traveling down that road. However, the harder/trying road I know would make me a better person...and all the complications I will face will make me stronger if I triumph. Until recently, I haven't really noticed how much fear controls my thoughts. I thought about a career change/change in majors simply because I'm fearful of what happens next. To flee always seems to be the "easy way out," but who am I if I continuously flee everything that I see as challenging, hard, or scary? I'd be weak. I don't want to walk away from this experience as weak. I want to walk out of this experience as stronger, wiser, and better...even if that means coming out of this with battle scars. Because let us remember, "Mistakes are just lessons we haven't learned yet." I'm sure there are many lessons that I have not learned yet, and many mistakes await me. But that's the challenge that I'm willing to take, whether confidently or even...fearfully.

Decisions, Decisions

Decisions, decisions...I find that I have the hardest time making them when they're not just clean cut and simple. There's one decision that I feel is super important and I'll probably need to make up my mind about it in a couple weeks.

In the beginning the answer was so clear to me. What my decision would be. And now as time goes on and little things change, my mind becomes convoluted with self-doubt, fear, and confusion. I've asked all everyone I could think of about it, but I believe I'm asking the wrong people. Who should I work with? What sport should I work with? Will I even get the sports I want? Am I even good enough to work with this sport? All these questions and I have no clear cut answer to them. It mostly stems from my lack of confidence. The I don't knows, the maybes, the what ifs. All these questions that transpire from other questions. All I need is one good answer.

I've been trying to figure out this decision for almost a month now, but never has it weighed heavier in my mind than now. To experience different things at a different setting. Knowing that within my profession, you need to be comfortable being uncomfortable, but at the same time...I'd like to be somewhere that I can at least enjoy being uncomfortable! Where the positives outweighs that uncomfort so much so that it becomes a minute problem. It's like a burden has decided to make it's home on my shoulders, and just continue to grow. People outside of this program may not understand it, people may not understand why it weighs so heavy...but I do. Quite frankly...it's winning.

I sometimes wish it was already made for me. So time will tell. A day will come where I write down six sports/venues/ACI's and I'll have to wait to see which I get. All I need to figure out now is what to write.