Everyday I Question

Everyday I question the decisions I make, and why I made them. Being where I'm at now in life, being where I'm now in general, the question always pops in my mind. So many things in my life I have succumb to, and yet why? It's a question within a question. It's the question within myself. Why this? Because of this...Why that? I have always wondered whether or not that path I am on, is the right path. But if everything happens for a reason, then this is where and what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm set on this journey within a journey. This journey of life and it's many little road trips that I encounter. I am currently traveling a road that I'm unsure of where it will lead. However, it's a road that I thought I wanted to travel. Hopefully in the end, it'll be worth it. Right? I hope so. Although I do not know where I will end up in the end, I must trust in today, tomorrow, and the present. Trust that I know what I'm doing, and with hard work I can do what I'm setting out to do. I am fearful everyday that this passion that I've built will fade and I will be left stranded within a never ending sea. I am fearful of regret, and fearful of doing something wrong. But this is the path I've chosen, what comes now, is what is meant to come.

Embarrassment...such a horrible feeling.

Embarrassment is a feeling that tends to fall under my regrets list. As much as I would love to say that I don't have any regrets, that's not true. I've been in a little bit of a rut lately. Walking along a path that I lack the confidence that I should have. The will to back up my knowledge and have it continue to grow. Instead I'm filled with self-doubt, low self-esteem and confidence. A horrible mixture to be walking around.

Instead of having my head held high, it hangs low with the weight of my worries on my shoulders. So how did this all start. Simple: A tape job. May it sound strange to you all, but to me...it's understandable. I'm majoring in Athletic Training, and while working a game I attempted to tape someone, and the end product was simply awful. It's not that I can't tape, but prior to that day my confidence was lowering, and it was clear that because of that...my low self-confidence was seeping through elsewhere. I know how to tape, I try and take pride in what I'm doing, and I try to keep everything wrinkle free. I have a passion for this profession and I'm willing to do what I need/have to in order to get to where I want to be! But that tape job was unacceptable.

It only made me feel disappointed in myself. Yes, for such a small simple thing to bring me down so much...seems silly. But one of my fears is to be known as the one that doesn't know anything...or the one that can't tape. Or the "dumb one"...whatever petty little side comment someone can make. True I am my own critic, and in an ideal world, no one else's opinion should matter but my own. However, in this instance...my opinion, I felt, was spot on.

So yes I was embarrassed to have done something I know I CAN do. I was embarrassed to do that in front of my peers and future clients. I was embarrassed. I regret not fully thinking through what I was doing. I could have made what I did better by thinking it through a little more. Instead, the confidence I lacked and the slight "panic" I felt, brought myself down, and thus Regret reered it's evil head and creeped into my mind. I was disappointed, embarrassed, and ashamed. So am I more upset that I had a bad tape job? No, I am more upset that I let my self-doubt get in the way. I know I CAN do this job, I know I CAN be good if not great at it, and I know I WILL make something of myself.

I can't let one set back, set me back for my entire future. I have to stay focussed and never let my goals out of my sight. Regrets are lessons we haven't learned yet.

The Countdown Begins!

It's about a week and a half away folks! That's right...ESPANA!!!! Two weeks in Spain, then a week in Italy. I'm thoroughly excited! Hopefully it's a good trip! So hears to hoping!

I've gone on these trips many times before. My travels have taken me to Japan, Italy, Greece, London, France, and now Spain will be added to my list! I'm so fortunate and grateful to be given these opportunities. I just think traveling to new or I should say different countries is so awesome! It definitely opens your eyes up to a whole new world and truly seeing how different people are from around the world. So if given the opportunity, I hope you all take it!

I am venturing a guess that this trip I will be homesick! I haven't been away for about a three weeks from home. Of course my mom is accompanying me, however I will definitely miss my sister and my pup and my bed haha. So ten bucks says, yes I will experience a little homesickness while away, and I'm gonna venture a guess and say it comes during the Italy leg of the trip. I think two weeks is enough time to jam pack everything in and then head home afterwards. We'll see how this extra week will be!

Now aside from my huge summer trip, HS football camps are also starting up. The first camp starts on Friday! So I'm excited about that. This will mark the beginning of me being a Level 2 in the athletic training program. It should be interesting, and i'm definitely looking forward to it. I will be nice and DARK by the time we're done on Sunday haha. Oh well...the price you pay to become what you only dream of :) There will be another football camp but that won't start until mid/later August. So...I will July free. Which my friends and I have already begun to thinking about a little road trip. Destination...unknown. But it's in the works. So busy summer...or so it seems!

Just wanted to post a little update for whoever stumbles upon this here blog. If no one does, that's ok...just wanted to post a little journal entry then! Until next time!

Life's Unexpectancies and Expectancies

So today it kind of hit me, of how fast life goes. I know, I'm only 22 going on 23 soon, and I feel like life has just blown by! In two years, I'll be graduating and hopefully going somewhere for Grad School. Then 2-3 more years and i'm out in the world as a big kid! So what will change? I have no idea! A lot of my friends are so willing to simply up and leave for some big city. But me...i'm a little more timid towards that. Maybe that's just who I am. I want to go on and explore and move somewhere that's not here. But at the same time, I don't want to be far from my family because i'm so close to them. It's funny how things work! And how fast they do! I suppose that time will tell. I just have to remember and keep an open mind to everything. Try not to be afraid of new experiences, because I am only given one life, and I do truly want to make it the best it can possibly be! Is it weird that i'm listening to Pandora and then Kelly Clarkson's song "Breakaway" comes on haha. Maybe this is a sign that i'll be just fine :) I sure hope so! It's what to be expected...to grow up and experience things. I guess I do love being a "kid."

As of late, I do in fact enjoy life's unexpecatancies as well. :D Just thought I'd write this little shibby of a post to get it off my mind!

Whaaaa

Lets see...an update since the last?? I suppose so! Well last week we got out official certificates of getting into the ATEP!!! YAY! It also came with our information packet full of dates and things to know. One of the things that stuck out to me was the fitness part. We're expected or at least should be able to carry 50lbs. for about 100yards haha. Ok...now I've never tried, but I'm pretty sure I will struggle with this part...I'm not gonna lie!! I have tiny chicken arms haha. SOOOOO after I read that...I said, "well that's great motivation to get back into shape" since I have been wanting to. I do do karate, but it's only once a week because we're renting the place out. I was doing P90x...but of course I've been fluctuating with that. So I pigged out this weekend, and I'm trying to mentally prepare for the task at hand. To get fit, and put on muscle...not manly muscles...or body building muslces...but enough so that I can lug 50lbs for 100yds without struggling as much as I would now! Which also reminds me that I need to do my physical. So much to do!

Hmmm...and asides from that...it's been the same ol' same ol'. School and trying to get things done! It's crazy, but this semester is only 2 and a half weeks!!! EEK! It seriously went by SO FAST! I think I always say this, but I remember the first day of every class! It's crazy to think that it's already almost over and Summer is fast approaching!! I'm shooting for a 4.0 this semester, lets hope I can pull it off!! So far it's looking good.

Speaking of Summer....at the end of June my Mom and I will be heading for good ol' ESPANA!!! We'll be traveling Spain for 10 days, and then it's off to Italy for a week! So big things are happening, and I'm sure I will be homesick towards the end of the trip. It's probably a guaranteed thing. I don't remember when we're coming back...I was hoping we'd be back by the time of the FC Gold Pride/Sky Blue FC game, but i'm not quite sure. I should check on that...I'm thinking I won't. Darn! Anyways...I've been sitting here watching Golden Girls haha...oh loverly. Now...I'm off to be more productive. Or so I hope! So here's to getting back into shape and looking forward to hopefully some good things to come! Until Next Time!

YAY-Whoo

It has been a long awaited moment for yesterday. The day spanned out...mighty fine! I got to my first class and the class before us were listening to showtunes...it was then that I said to myself, "Today is going to be a good day." So I hoped! Classes went by, and the weather turned to something awful. Dark, dreary, windy, and then rain...and then a sudden heavy onset of HAIL!!! Afterwards it looked like it had snowed! Yet, in the midst of it all I finally got the email I have been waiting for, for what seems to be a month! I was accepted into the Athletic Training program! This equates to a very happy me :D I now begin to start this new chapter in my life starting next semester and I am sooooo excited! Like I've said, "I feel Happier than a Bird with a French Fry!" Unfortunately, one of my good buddies didn't get in...he's "contesting" it tomorrow, so if all goes well...then by some time tomorrow...I could possibly be "Happier than a bird with a hamburger." My friend deserves this just as much as everyone else who was accepted does...so here's to hoping!

Now aside from the wonderful news...what can I say? There's really nothing much more I can talk about. I could talk about school and classes, but that seems boring...since nothing seems to change...nothing really exciting has happened in the past month. I did go to Six Flags with my friend and X2...ya...I thought I was going to die...seirously! But we conquered about 9 rides I think. It was awesome! Then lets fast forward some to one of the best times of the year...The Women's NCAA Basketball Tournament. I know...some may hate Women's basketball...I love it! Especially UConn and yes their 78 game win streak. It's simply awesome! for some reason...I really love this group. I mean, don't get me wrong...I've been a "newbie" fan since the Sue Bird days...but this team...I really liked! I'm sure most of you know about UConn's greatness...so I will leave it at that! I was happy they won!

Umm...there's really nothing else I can think of to report, I know my blog's pretty lame, but it keeps me entertained. I'm off to study some Biomech now...I hope everyone or whoever may have stumbled upon this and reached this far...is having a great day! Until Next Time!

March 1st

It's been a good year since I knew that I was going to apply to the Athletic Training program today. I opted not to try last year because I felt so behind in everything I had to get done. After a year of getting caught up, and taking all my pre-requisite courses...I turned in my application today this morning. Although I feel like I should feel relieved...I don't. I think it's a little more stressful now.

Up next...hopefully...will be the interview process. A process which takes about 20 minutes, and what will either be the longest 20 minutes of my life...or the shortest, that is what comes next. 20 minutes to essentially "plead" my case and try to convince/show a committee why I should be in the program. It's a little scary. This group of people have so much "power" in their hands. They can make or break my life. Ok...a little dramatic, but c'mon...it's a little true...well a lot true haha.

After that...then it'll be the wait until May 1st to see if I made it. So from now until then I guarantee this will be the most stressed out and nervous I have ever been. I've already been freakin out because my Letter of Application isn't "as good" as others, or shorter than others, and already I've almost had an anxiety attack. The task at hand seems so simple, yet it's so out of my control, that I feel a little out of sorts.

I don't think I've ever wanted something so bad before...something this huge and life changing. I wish that I could get in, my buddies get in, and just go from there and take off. This is definitely the beginning of the rest of my life.