My Deepest Fear...Fear

"What is your deepest fear?" "Spiders, death, fire, drowning...etc." My answer: Fear. I find that one emotion or feeling that dictates much of my thinking is "Fear." The fear of disappointing others, the fear of hurting others, the fear of failing, the fear of being hurt. It's fear that influences my decisions. I tend to try to travel the easier road, just because it's safe, and I have no fear in traveling down that road. However, the harder/trying road I know would make me a better person...and all the complications I will face will make me stronger if I triumph. Until recently, I haven't really noticed how much fear controls my thoughts. I thought about a career change/change in majors simply because I'm fearful of what happens next. To flee always seems to be the "easy way out," but who am I if I continuously flee everything that I see as challenging, hard, or scary? I'd be weak. I don't want to walk away from this experience as weak. I want to walk out of this experience as stronger, wiser, and better...even if that means coming out of this with battle scars. Because let us remember, "Mistakes are just lessons we haven't learned yet." I'm sure there are many lessons that I have not learned yet, and many mistakes await me. But that's the challenge that I'm willing to take, whether confidently or even...fearfully.

Decisions, Decisions

Decisions, decisions...I find that I have the hardest time making them when they're not just clean cut and simple. There's one decision that I feel is super important and I'll probably need to make up my mind about it in a couple weeks.

In the beginning the answer was so clear to me. What my decision would be. And now as time goes on and little things change, my mind becomes convoluted with self-doubt, fear, and confusion. I've asked all everyone I could think of about it, but I believe I'm asking the wrong people. Who should I work with? What sport should I work with? Will I even get the sports I want? Am I even good enough to work with this sport? All these questions and I have no clear cut answer to them. It mostly stems from my lack of confidence. The I don't knows, the maybes, the what ifs. All these questions that transpire from other questions. All I need is one good answer.

I've been trying to figure out this decision for almost a month now, but never has it weighed heavier in my mind than now. To experience different things at a different setting. Knowing that within my profession, you need to be comfortable being uncomfortable, but at the same time...I'd like to be somewhere that I can at least enjoy being uncomfortable! Where the positives outweighs that uncomfort so much so that it becomes a minute problem. It's like a burden has decided to make it's home on my shoulders, and just continue to grow. People outside of this program may not understand it, people may not understand why it weighs so heavy...but I do. Quite frankly...it's winning.

I sometimes wish it was already made for me. So time will tell. A day will come where I write down six sports/venues/ACI's and I'll have to wait to see which I get. All I need to figure out now is what to write.

A Post with Topics that Don't Go Hand in Hand

People may be Strange...even Weird, but who wants to be normal? Seriously, what is the standard to be considered, "Normal?" I find that I've been called "Weird" so many times...and I take it as a good thing. I'm not that over the top type of weird, but I supposed I don't fall under, "Normal." Weirdness to me is like being unique. If someone calls you weird, take it as a compliment. It only means that that person sees something in you that they don't see in everyone else. I've come to realize, as of late, if I get along with these "weird" people, then ya...I am unique :)

Ladies and Gents...I have some definition in my calves, lost some chubs in my face, and my two pack is more pronounced! Does Insanity workout work? I would say so. BUT I still have shin splints which sucks. So I take extra rest days. (FYI: If you too may be experiencing shin splints, try stretching out your calf muscles...I have a tight Soleus muscle, so I'm guessing it's a factor in these shin splints.)

Ok...so that happy fuzzy everything is pink, red, and white with hearts and flowers day is coming up. And I'm not going to waste my time saying how I don't have a Valentine and I think in my life have only truly had one...I'm going to write about those cute little Valentine's Day cards we used to give out to our classmates. This just reaffirms how much of a dreamer, wisher, and in some ways, gullable person I am/was. I was always that girl, that when she got a Valentine's Day card in her box or on her desk from someone she liked and it said something like, "I Dig You." I completely believed it. As I remembered this little story, I realize how much I have NOT changed. No, I don't get little cutesy cards from people anymore, but I am seemingly still THAT gullible to think, that the nicest/smallest gestures mean something. I guess I should've learned my lesson when I realized that the boy that gave me that card...didn't Dig me at all.

But nonetheless, I am still a dreamer/wisher, and although there are a couple people I think that I would give that "I Dig You" card to, I shall stick to my most faithful Valentine's...Ben and Jerry! O wait, I'm lactose intolerant, so there goes that idea!! hahaha...horrible joke no? But seriously, I wish you all a great and wonderful Valentine's Day.

It's the Little Things...

As I get older I come to realize it's truly the little things that matter the most. Today I had said something that at the time I thought was funny. But instead I had inadvertantly hurt someone's feelings. I meant what I said one way, they took a different way (which looking back I can definitely understand.) I realized I was wrong and apologized...probably on the list of the most sincere apologies. When I say jokes my intentions are never to hurt someone's feelings, so when I do I feel horrible. Because if I put myself in their shoes, I would be equally hurt. Thus, I handle things as if this happened to me, how would I want the other person to respond. Not to take anything away from my reaction because it was genuine. So I apologized. It was just right to.

As of late I have truly begun to appreciate small gestures, kindness, please, thank you, you're welcome...etc. They are simple words that don't take a lot to say, yet they are words extremely full and fulfilling, but only if you truly mean them! Today I truly meant what I said. Sometimes you just don't realize what little it takes to truly make someone's day a little better.

Just some words of mine for your thoughts. :)

With that...have a great day!

MTSS and Gilbere Forte

Two topics that do not go hand in hand, but tonight...I'm making them.

Let me start with my complaint. For the past week, I've been doing Insanity workout and what do I notice yesterday while doing Cardio/Plyo?? I have Medial Tibial Stress Syndrome (aka: Shin Splints)...It's very annoying!!! Thought I'd share. It's definitely not the best feeling in the world and it's mostly an annoying type feeling...luckily today was Rest day...but i'm sure once I start doing more jumping/running in place...I shall feel them again.

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Gilbere Forte. Anyone hear of him? I heard of his name through a friend, previewed his album on itunes and quickly clicked "Purchase." I love it...it seems...original...and I like that. Here's my favorite song...to which I think is the SEXIEST sounding song ever!

Let the Insanity Begin!

Well school started last Wednesday and with that comes no life! I go to school in the mornings have an hour to eat, then it's off to do my "intern" hours at the Training Room till about night time depending on the day. Now in my last post I wrote about my resolutions and so far...I'd say I've done fairly well. Not exceptional, but alright. I'm in a new environment and I'm trying to just get out of this shyness shell and do what I know how to and with confidence. If I have a question I try to speak up. No one will know I exist if I don't speak up and stand in the corner. So far so good.

My other resolution was to take care of myself and well, I've been trying to do just that. I'm not in an activity class at school this semester so there's no exercising when I'm school. Like I wrote earlier I ordered Insanity Workout. It is just that...Insane...ok maybe not. It's more like Cardio on crack. A whole lot of jumping and running in place...so I've noticed. Do I see results? No not yet, but it's only day three of the workout. But I have definitely felt it. Especially in my calves. So epsom salt baths = amazingness for now.

I know this post is kind of boring, but it's a start :) So until next time.

I Gave In!!!

I opened my wallet...pulled out the credit card...and bought:





So I know these things are never guaranteed. But I find it hard to get in my vehicle and go to the gym/rec center or go out on the track. With my school/interning schedule next semester...it'll be easier to just do this at home...or so I think. We shall see!